Three Weeks

... and I'll be post-op - at least the first stage.

The last few months have been odd. All the questions that I thought I'd addressed suddenly resurfaced - loads of what if questions and "it's a mistake" type feelings. It has taken me quite some time to realise that (a) I'm very happy living as female - and in the current arrangement as long as there's not too much grief, (b) I simply cannot visualise myself living as male any more - it's just not an option, (c) I've always wanted to be female, and while surgery isn't going to make me any more female than I already am, it at least removes one of the major remaining male markers. So, I want the end result. What the questioning ultimately revolves around is the fear of the process, not the fear of the result.

I don't like hospitals. I don't like pain. I don't like being inconvenienced. There's the fear that, actually, something will go wrong and I'll end up numb or incontinent or just constantly uncomfortable. If there was a way to "grow" the female parts or some other "magic" option - I would go for that like a shot! But there isn't - surgery is the only way.

The secondary part is that the medication must be slowly pickling my liver. I know that my digestion is not great, and wonder whether that's a sign. Removing the need to take some of that medication has to be good for me in the long run.

J has been great. She's in typical pre-trip bustle mode (which she uses to hide her panic about loss of routine). Her parents, however, are not being great. Basically they are very afraid, and I think are looking for reasons why I should not have surgery. Their evangelical Christian background and outlook is causing problems. It has become obvious (to me at least) that they have barely coped with me for the last few years, and probably underpinned it with a belief that, underneath it all, I was still fundamentally male and could still return. Inverting genitalia seems to be irreversible to them - and they don't want that conflict. It doesn't help that Thailand is in political turmoil at the moment!

And now I've responded to a request from the BBC to film around surgery. Of course, because I'm still married, the bravery angle they want is now doubled, because J "needs" to be part of the story. I think we do have a story to tell (even though I'm not quite sure what it is and why it's so different to anyone else's). Surprisingly J, after some initial concerns, seems quite up for meeting the BBC lady, so hopefully that will happen tomorrow. After all, they don't have long to get things arranged.