Filming

I've spent today being filmed by my cousin for an eLearning project run by GIRES. As one of the folks involved in defining the course, I volunteered to be filmed, and two of my colleagues also agreed.

All in all, I was surprised at how emotional I felt afterwards. Driving home I had a shadow of the former torment. It was quite an effort thinking back 6, 7 and 8 years to how I felt when certain things happened. And it was obvious that my colleagues were also affected in a similar way. There were a few tears at a couple of points.

It was also interesting hearing them give their views, and how they felt about the challenges I had faced - when talking about trans issues, one used the term "dwarfing" anything he had faced - and this guy's wife had died very suddenly at around the same time. I was deeply moved by that analysis.

I hope that a number of really powerful messages, like the importance of respect and how trans people are, fundamentally, just people will come across loud and clear - and that labels should be seen for what they are, attempts to categorise and discriminate. I'm interested in what my cousin will do with the material - and he says he's been inspired to do more. I would be interested in helping him, but it really cannot be more than a day every so often. I don't think I would cope emotionally with much more than that.

I remember studying the word "cathartic" when I was 13. I don't know whether that's the exact word for how I felt about today's experience - stirring up historic emotions. It feels very much like a rod has been pushed around in a deep pond for a while, and it will take time for the sludge to re-settle.

There is more, to do with feeling on the edge of greatness - dealings with high-up media bods, a sudden influx of sales enquiries, increasing responsibilities as a school governor. Life is getting more and more hectic, and more and more interesting. It's a struggle to work out where best to place effort.