Well, it was quite a wonderful day. I arrived half an hour before the event (as I was told it could take up to half an hour to get through security) and was waved through in 2 minutes. So I ended up standing outside Number 10 for about 20 minutes.
Walking through the world-famous black door was quite a moment, especially as it opened just before I got there - someone was wanting to come out, so it didn't open just because I was walking up to it! Then it shuts behind you, and you become one of the rare-ish people who see the inside of the Prime Minister's offices - the security guards, the computer by the famous hinges, the rack where you leave your mobile phone. Through to another slightly larger room where you leave your jackets and big bags, then down another corridor, up the famous staircase with all the pictures of previous Prime Ministers (so Gordon Brown was the last one pictured, strangely jauntily given what turned out) and into the reception rooms.
I was pleased, I didn't freeze or gape like a fish. Instead I found an inner confidence and introduced myself to folk, and was introduced to others. Lynne Featherstone recognised me from the MoU launch a few months earlier - she looked tired, and pretty much fled the scene as four trans activists started to off-load - possibly not the best plan of action. Simon Hughes was interested - and it looks like I've now managed set up a meeting with him about gender markers. Evan Davies was charming - especially when combined with Rev Richard Coles - my mornings' listening in one place, a doorway inside Number 10 - how surreal is that! Jane Hill was also supportive. It was over too soon.
I'm still pinching myself 5 days later. I know it happened. I hope it will happen again - as I'll be so much less nervous, and know more of what to expect.
Meanwhile I find myself at the centre of another political storm - inside the choral society. Suffice to say that I hope that the action the committee has taken will be undone - albeit that it means we may have to look for an alternative committee at short notice on Thursday.
And then I find that Stuart Cosgrove of Channel 4 found me "very impressive" - someone he felt he could do business with.
J said this afternoon that she wondered why I ever doubted my abilities - but it feels wrong somehow to assume that I am talented - it just feels like rubbing something in or denigrating others. But I'm obviously capable of making a mark. It makes the future seem more exciting. I only hope I haven't peaked!
Monday, 27 June 2011
Monday, 20 June 2011
Atmospheric Rises
So, let's get this into some kind of perspective:
In June 2001 I would have been so nervous about being seen wearing a dress by anyone at all. I was just coming to terms with the fact that I was trans-something. It didn't mean that I didn't want to be seen - it's just that I feared the reaction.
In June 2003 I had plucked up courage to wear a dress in a "safe house" - J having seen me only a couple of months earlier.
In June 2004 I'd just lost my job and was considering going full-time.
In 2 days time it looks as though I'll be walking through the security gates to Downing Street and joining in a reception at one of the most exclusive addresses in Whitehall, in full view of various media types.
Excited, scared, trying to maintain a sense of cool, wondering how on earth I'm going to fit everything else I need to do this week in - the gamut of emotions is huge. I thought meeting Ofcom in May 2010 was a huge step, then meeting folk at the BBC, then meeting one of the senior guys at Channel 4 in August, then having a series of meetings at Channel 4, then meeting/hosting a serving government minister at Trans Media Watch's launch in March, then being appointed to the Parliamentary Forum on Gender Identity last month... Since August life has been a whirl of ever escalating steps.
On Saturday afternoon, as the situation had just unfolded, I was standing in the churchyard of All Saints Church in Wokingham - half-an-hour before the rehearsal was due to start for a choral concert I was singing in that evening. In 2003 and especially the first part of 2004 that same churchyard was a bolt hole - my place near my office to walk and try to think. Seven years from taking her first tentative steps out into the world at large, Helen will be going into the heart of government.
Absolutely amazing. I still can't quite believe it. What on earth am I going to wear?!?
In June 2001 I would have been so nervous about being seen wearing a dress by anyone at all. I was just coming to terms with the fact that I was trans-something. It didn't mean that I didn't want to be seen - it's just that I feared the reaction.
In June 2003 I had plucked up courage to wear a dress in a "safe house" - J having seen me only a couple of months earlier.
In June 2004 I'd just lost my job and was considering going full-time.
In 2 days time it looks as though I'll be walking through the security gates to Downing Street and joining in a reception at one of the most exclusive addresses in Whitehall, in full view of various media types.
Excited, scared, trying to maintain a sense of cool, wondering how on earth I'm going to fit everything else I need to do this week in - the gamut of emotions is huge. I thought meeting Ofcom in May 2010 was a huge step, then meeting folk at the BBC, then meeting one of the senior guys at Channel 4 in August, then having a series of meetings at Channel 4, then meeting/hosting a serving government minister at Trans Media Watch's launch in March, then being appointed to the Parliamentary Forum on Gender Identity last month... Since August life has been a whirl of ever escalating steps.
On Saturday afternoon, as the situation had just unfolded, I was standing in the churchyard of All Saints Church in Wokingham - half-an-hour before the rehearsal was due to start for a choral concert I was singing in that evening. In 2003 and especially the first part of 2004 that same churchyard was a bolt hole - my place near my office to walk and try to think. Seven years from taking her first tentative steps out into the world at large, Helen will be going into the heart of government.
Absolutely amazing. I still can't quite believe it. What on earth am I going to wear?!?
Friday, 10 December 2010
Sadness
So undergraduates will now be paying up to £9,000 per year just for tuition. Add on top of that living costs, which will struggle to be under £6,000 a year, and you suddenly have a bill for £45,000 after a 3-year course, or £60,000 for a 4-year course. Apparently the charges will apply the moment they are incurred, but will attract commercial rates of interest from the moment of graduation, and the loan cannot be repaid early - leading to an effective tax rate of 9%. The progressive part? Apparently if you are classed in an economically dependent group, then you won't have to pay one year.
I find a number of things sad about this. Firstly, the commoditisation of education. Rather than society valuing education as something that is generally useful, we now find that a price has been put on individuals. This level of debt is a powerful disincentive to take your studies post-18 - the raw stats from the school of which I'm a governor shows a significant drop in those 16/17 year-olds contemplating a university education. The 17/18 year-olds were too far through the process for yesterday's decision to be affected.
It has been difficult for a few years now to be able to distinguish effectively between attainment at degrees. I have felt for many years that a first-class degree holder in computing appears to know far less than I did when I graduated with a II(ii). It feels as though my degree is now equivalent to a Masters. The increasing number of people with degrees must surely mean that the "value-add" of having one reduces, making it still harder to pay off any debt. When you see graduates taking jobs as bicycle couriers??? So the academically able who need to distinguish themselves will incur even more debt for the privilege, irrespective of background.
However, of equal sadness is the stance of the Liberal Democrats. I don't know whether they have been "suckered" into the position of having to vote for something they all individually pledged against - but it was obvious that only having the option to abstain if fees were increased would drive a wedge throughout the party. Nowhere did I see any Lib Dem sign the pledge conditionally. The pledge was taken as a sign of values, vision and commitment. And this was thrown to one side, and excuses have been made - none very convincing. Yesterday I saw more alienation creep into politics.
The LibDems appeared to be the fresh voice in the last election. Now they have been tarred with the same brush as both Labour and Conservatives - both of whom were architects of the unnecessary explosion in university studies over the last 20 years. Now there is nothing to single the LibDems out as people who hold principles. It also means that any pre-election pledge becomes meaningless. People can say what they want - electors won't have a clue what individuals stand for any more. The principle has finally disappeared from mainstream British politics.
I find a number of things sad about this. Firstly, the commoditisation of education. Rather than society valuing education as something that is generally useful, we now find that a price has been put on individuals. This level of debt is a powerful disincentive to take your studies post-18 - the raw stats from the school of which I'm a governor shows a significant drop in those 16/17 year-olds contemplating a university education. The 17/18 year-olds were too far through the process for yesterday's decision to be affected.
It has been difficult for a few years now to be able to distinguish effectively between attainment at degrees. I have felt for many years that a first-class degree holder in computing appears to know far less than I did when I graduated with a II(ii). It feels as though my degree is now equivalent to a Masters. The increasing number of people with degrees must surely mean that the "value-add" of having one reduces, making it still harder to pay off any debt. When you see graduates taking jobs as bicycle couriers??? So the academically able who need to distinguish themselves will incur even more debt for the privilege, irrespective of background.
However, of equal sadness is the stance of the Liberal Democrats. I don't know whether they have been "suckered" into the position of having to vote for something they all individually pledged against - but it was obvious that only having the option to abstain if fees were increased would drive a wedge throughout the party. Nowhere did I see any Lib Dem sign the pledge conditionally. The pledge was taken as a sign of values, vision and commitment. And this was thrown to one side, and excuses have been made - none very convincing. Yesterday I saw more alienation creep into politics.
The LibDems appeared to be the fresh voice in the last election. Now they have been tarred with the same brush as both Labour and Conservatives - both of whom were architects of the unnecessary explosion in university studies over the last 20 years. Now there is nothing to single the LibDems out as people who hold principles. It also means that any pre-election pledge becomes meaningless. People can say what they want - electors won't have a clue what individuals stand for any more. The principle has finally disappeared from mainstream British politics.
Saturday, 6 November 2010
And so yet another trans group teeters on the brink...
I got involved with Trans Media Watch more by association than actual judgement - I was available to come to a meeting with Ofcom and was felt to be "presentable". Following that, I went along to a meeting with the BBC, then to Channel 4, then was one of the two presenters to the Press Complaints Commission, then found myself drawing up a constitution and looking at registering it as a charity.
Then all hell broke loose last week. The combination of the outrageous reporting in the tabloids around Sonia Burgess's unfortunate death, combined with anger at the marginalisation of trans people yet again by the gay rights campaigners Stonewall meant that TMW suddenly found itself on the front-line of trans-activism, without either the people or the time required to direct the focus of any protests. And people got angry - angry at Stonewall, livid at the tabloids, and outraged at TMW's deafening silence - completely unaware of what the core were trying to do behind the scenes, and also completely unaware that all of us have jobs to hold down as well. It seemed to become personal.
And it got too much for two of the core five, and I also realised that I could not continue to give it the attention it was demanding, because making a living was actually important for my family and my employees. So, in the space of a week, TMW is on the brink of collapse, having made so much progress in the preceeding 12 months. Its collapse will make it so much harder for any subsequent trans group to get in through the doors to the limited extent we did.
However, the scenario once again demonstrates two things. Firstly that trans people on the whole are incredibly vulnerable and secondly they often carry around a huge slate of anger. Sometimes that anger is directed at the wrong people who are also vulnerable, and the plate fractures again. Other times that anger is directed in a way that is easily parodied and/or ignored, pandering to the "weird" and "other" nature that is so often attributed to trans people.
Things so desperately need to change. There is so much institutional ignorance around, wanting to categorise and then limit people - people who cannot generally be categorised, who are wanting to express individuality. That ignorance leads to horrendous abuses of human rights, vicious attacks (both physical and verbal), fear, guilt, suicide. We see it in the way the medical profession often treats us, the bafflement often expressed by civil servants, the sensationalism often employed by the media, the abuse directed at us by extremists driven by fear.
The way forward is engagement, education, media-savvy presentation, being able to shine a light on causes rather than symptoms. Protest, screaming from the rooftops, revolution - none of these will work - no matter how appealing such routes sound. But until trans people can learn to trust, to show respect, to bury differences between each other, the cause will forever be harmed by groups being ripped apart.
Then all hell broke loose last week. The combination of the outrageous reporting in the tabloids around Sonia Burgess's unfortunate death, combined with anger at the marginalisation of trans people yet again by the gay rights campaigners Stonewall meant that TMW suddenly found itself on the front-line of trans-activism, without either the people or the time required to direct the focus of any protests. And people got angry - angry at Stonewall, livid at the tabloids, and outraged at TMW's deafening silence - completely unaware of what the core were trying to do behind the scenes, and also completely unaware that all of us have jobs to hold down as well. It seemed to become personal.
And it got too much for two of the core five, and I also realised that I could not continue to give it the attention it was demanding, because making a living was actually important for my family and my employees. So, in the space of a week, TMW is on the brink of collapse, having made so much progress in the preceeding 12 months. Its collapse will make it so much harder for any subsequent trans group to get in through the doors to the limited extent we did.
However, the scenario once again demonstrates two things. Firstly that trans people on the whole are incredibly vulnerable and secondly they often carry around a huge slate of anger. Sometimes that anger is directed at the wrong people who are also vulnerable, and the plate fractures again. Other times that anger is directed in a way that is easily parodied and/or ignored, pandering to the "weird" and "other" nature that is so often attributed to trans people.
Things so desperately need to change. There is so much institutional ignorance around, wanting to categorise and then limit people - people who cannot generally be categorised, who are wanting to express individuality. That ignorance leads to horrendous abuses of human rights, vicious attacks (both physical and verbal), fear, guilt, suicide. We see it in the way the medical profession often treats us, the bafflement often expressed by civil servants, the sensationalism often employed by the media, the abuse directed at us by extremists driven by fear.
The way forward is engagement, education, media-savvy presentation, being able to shine a light on causes rather than symptoms. Protest, screaming from the rooftops, revolution - none of these will work - no matter how appealing such routes sound. But until trans people can learn to trust, to show respect, to bury differences between each other, the cause will forever be harmed by groups being ripped apart.
Monday, 1 November 2010
Sadness and Fears
A story has been building in the media since this time last week. A trans woman who was also an influential human rights lawyer was killed under a tube train at Kings Cross station last Monday evening. It seems likely to have been a tragic mistake, with some tomfoolery going on as the train came in. The predictable outcome started to come through with tabloid exposes appearing on Friday, which fed on the prurience because she was trans and probably was working on the side as an escort. The real sadness hit this morning when the tabloids had another frenzy because the person accused of killing her is also a trans woman.
I could see this building and building over the past few days, being privy to some of the information well before it broke into the public eye. And the media exposure has been predictable, prurient, salacious, feeding into the consistent "othering" of trans people that goes on in the British printed media.
This wasn't particularly helped by the coverage of another trans woman who, yesterday, won the UK Scrabble championship - dressed in bright pink, probably for breast cancer awareness, but who had an unfortunate amount of beard shadow. Again the media curiosity tried hard but generally failed to focus on things other than her trans status.
I met a Nina who was probably Tamil many years ago, in my early forays to the Reading trans nightscene. It may not have been the same one, but it's uncomfortably close to home. I was also at Kings Cross (but not the Piccadilly line) yesterday afternoon, having spent a fun few hours with my daughter at the Wicked Day, following her two days at a Wicked workshop run by her school. The celebration and work-lessness of a long weekend had this constant press pressure as a backdrop.
I've written before about fear being the primary driver behind trans people not wanting to be visible, to hide their past away. The media coverage today feeds off that fear, while also building it up. Why can our media (and they would claim it is our society) simply not let people be different? Why are we all forced down this route of social conformity which panders to the bigots? And today's coverage will have screwed down the lid on some trans people who will now be facing a harder journey to discover themselves, and reinforced the view of those who hold it that trans people are only ever weird and motivated by sex. I fear that the result will be that some trans people will ultimately take the choice of suicide as a result of what has happened today.
Sadly because of this, some trans people seem to have moved past the outrage and building into very real anger, which further distorts how people view what has happened. There is talk about a protest on Thursday evening - against who and about what, I don't know. The media are turning around and asking what have they done wrong, using the PCC's "tactic" of focusing on the words they have written rather than the emotion or the layered picture they have built up. They know what they have done wrong, and the mock innocence is grating. As an example, why is it remotely relevant to refer to Nina as unshaven when she appeared in court? Was Ann Widdecombe well shaven before her Strictly Come Dancing appearance on Saturday? I think we ought to be told.
But there are also people in the trans world who also think that a great way to make a quick buck is to pass information onto the ever-hungry media that completely destroys the affected people and makes life harder for many more. I feel nothing but disgust for that self-serving attitude.
I could see this building and building over the past few days, being privy to some of the information well before it broke into the public eye. And the media exposure has been predictable, prurient, salacious, feeding into the consistent "othering" of trans people that goes on in the British printed media.
This wasn't particularly helped by the coverage of another trans woman who, yesterday, won the UK Scrabble championship - dressed in bright pink, probably for breast cancer awareness, but who had an unfortunate amount of beard shadow. Again the media curiosity tried hard but generally failed to focus on things other than her trans status.
I met a Nina who was probably Tamil many years ago, in my early forays to the Reading trans nightscene. It may not have been the same one, but it's uncomfortably close to home. I was also at Kings Cross (but not the Piccadilly line) yesterday afternoon, having spent a fun few hours with my daughter at the Wicked Day, following her two days at a Wicked workshop run by her school. The celebration and work-lessness of a long weekend had this constant press pressure as a backdrop.
I've written before about fear being the primary driver behind trans people not wanting to be visible, to hide their past away. The media coverage today feeds off that fear, while also building it up. Why can our media (and they would claim it is our society) simply not let people be different? Why are we all forced down this route of social conformity which panders to the bigots? And today's coverage will have screwed down the lid on some trans people who will now be facing a harder journey to discover themselves, and reinforced the view of those who hold it that trans people are only ever weird and motivated by sex. I fear that the result will be that some trans people will ultimately take the choice of suicide as a result of what has happened today.
Sadly because of this, some trans people seem to have moved past the outrage and building into very real anger, which further distorts how people view what has happened. There is talk about a protest on Thursday evening - against who and about what, I don't know. The media are turning around and asking what have they done wrong, using the PCC's "tactic" of focusing on the words they have written rather than the emotion or the layered picture they have built up. They know what they have done wrong, and the mock innocence is grating. As an example, why is it remotely relevant to refer to Nina as unshaven when she appeared in court? Was Ann Widdecombe well shaven before her Strictly Come Dancing appearance on Saturday? I think we ought to be told.
But there are also people in the trans world who also think that a great way to make a quick buck is to pass information onto the ever-hungry media that completely destroys the affected people and makes life harder for many more. I feel nothing but disgust for that self-serving attitude.
Monday, 4 October 2010
Filming
I've spent today being filmed by my cousin for an eLearning project run by GIRES. As one of the folks involved in defining the course, I volunteered to be filmed, and two of my colleagues also agreed.
All in all, I was surprised at how emotional I felt afterwards. Driving home I had a shadow of the former torment. It was quite an effort thinking back 6, 7 and 8 years to how I felt when certain things happened. And it was obvious that my colleagues were also affected in a similar way. There were a few tears at a couple of points.
It was also interesting hearing them give their views, and how they felt about the challenges I had faced - when talking about trans issues, one used the term "dwarfing" anything he had faced - and this guy's wife had died very suddenly at around the same time. I was deeply moved by that analysis.
I hope that a number of really powerful messages, like the importance of respect and how trans people are, fundamentally, just people will come across loud and clear - and that labels should be seen for what they are, attempts to categorise and discriminate. I'm interested in what my cousin will do with the material - and he says he's been inspired to do more. I would be interested in helping him, but it really cannot be more than a day every so often. I don't think I would cope emotionally with much more than that.
I remember studying the word "cathartic" when I was 13. I don't know whether that's the exact word for how I felt about today's experience - stirring up historic emotions. It feels very much like a rod has been pushed around in a deep pond for a while, and it will take time for the sludge to re-settle.
There is more, to do with feeling on the edge of greatness - dealings with high-up media bods, a sudden influx of sales enquiries, increasing responsibilities as a school governor. Life is getting more and more hectic, and more and more interesting. It's a struggle to work out where best to place effort.
All in all, I was surprised at how emotional I felt afterwards. Driving home I had a shadow of the former torment. It was quite an effort thinking back 6, 7 and 8 years to how I felt when certain things happened. And it was obvious that my colleagues were also affected in a similar way. There were a few tears at a couple of points.
It was also interesting hearing them give their views, and how they felt about the challenges I had faced - when talking about trans issues, one used the term "dwarfing" anything he had faced - and this guy's wife had died very suddenly at around the same time. I was deeply moved by that analysis.
I hope that a number of really powerful messages, like the importance of respect and how trans people are, fundamentally, just people will come across loud and clear - and that labels should be seen for what they are, attempts to categorise and discriminate. I'm interested in what my cousin will do with the material - and he says he's been inspired to do more. I would be interested in helping him, but it really cannot be more than a day every so often. I don't think I would cope emotionally with much more than that.
I remember studying the word "cathartic" when I was 13. I don't know whether that's the exact word for how I felt about today's experience - stirring up historic emotions. It feels very much like a rod has been pushed around in a deep pond for a while, and it will take time for the sludge to re-settle.
There is more, to do with feeling on the edge of greatness - dealings with high-up media bods, a sudden influx of sales enquiries, increasing responsibilities as a school governor. Life is getting more and more hectic, and more and more interesting. It's a struggle to work out where best to place effort.
Monday, 9 August 2010
Crusaders
It's not often you find yourself on the fringe of the main news story of the day. Saturday's news was full of the shooting of 10 medics in Afghanistan. Led by Tom Little, the team were returning from Naziristan having spent time giving medical treatment to people in that remote area. Tom was an optometrist and had been doing that kind of thing for around 33 years, since before the Russians invaded Afghanistan in 1979.
The issue for us was that Tom was actually a good friend of Jo's parents. I don't know how they met this doctor from up-state New York, but meet him they did, as well as Libby his wife and all three of his daughters. I met one of the daughters (Molly) once a few years ago. To receive news that Tom had been killed was a massive shock to Jo's parents - he had escaped death so many times, and his mission was to make people's lives better by helping them to see. It was news they always feared, and the impact of it was big, especially when it becomes the number 1 news story all day.
Tom was a Christian, although he seemingly knew it was too risky to evangelise in Afghanistan. He would have had a bible, and could well have had one in Dari (the local language which he was fluent in). However, above all he was a life-saver, showing tremendous commitment to the poor and needy in an already impoverished nation. He is one who could be proud of what he had accomplished - in contrast to those who shot him for no gain whatsoever other than perhaps personal or short-term political.
In my own crusade, I'm joining my friends Jo and Sarah at a presentation to the BBC's Diversity Unit tomorrow, about the relentless way that trans people are portrayed as sexualised freaks and "not quite human". Admittedly the BBC has done some good programs too - such as the Horizon on the David Reimer case. But it's the ongoing snide comments - like Ken Bruce, Chris Moyles and Chris Evans on the radio - where "men dressing as women" is a source of much childish fun, on the way pandering to the most base of bigotry. We tried this presentation at Ofcom, only for them to hide behind policies and a ridiculously small amount of research to justify their position. Let's hope that the BBC is more open.
The issue for us was that Tom was actually a good friend of Jo's parents. I don't know how they met this doctor from up-state New York, but meet him they did, as well as Libby his wife and all three of his daughters. I met one of the daughters (Molly) once a few years ago. To receive news that Tom had been killed was a massive shock to Jo's parents - he had escaped death so many times, and his mission was to make people's lives better by helping them to see. It was news they always feared, and the impact of it was big, especially when it becomes the number 1 news story all day.
Tom was a Christian, although he seemingly knew it was too risky to evangelise in Afghanistan. He would have had a bible, and could well have had one in Dari (the local language which he was fluent in). However, above all he was a life-saver, showing tremendous commitment to the poor and needy in an already impoverished nation. He is one who could be proud of what he had accomplished - in contrast to those who shot him for no gain whatsoever other than perhaps personal or short-term political.
In my own crusade, I'm joining my friends Jo and Sarah at a presentation to the BBC's Diversity Unit tomorrow, about the relentless way that trans people are portrayed as sexualised freaks and "not quite human". Admittedly the BBC has done some good programs too - such as the Horizon on the David Reimer case. But it's the ongoing snide comments - like Ken Bruce, Chris Moyles and Chris Evans on the radio - where "men dressing as women" is a source of much childish fun, on the way pandering to the most base of bigotry. We tried this presentation at Ofcom, only for them to hide behind policies and a ridiculously small amount of research to justify their position. Let's hope that the BBC is more open.
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