Thursday 26 January 2012

Blood Pressure

Apparently my blood pressure is slightly elevated, so that when I saw the GP to see if there was anything she could do to shift this virus that's been bugging me for 4 weeks, losing weight was the most important thing - stuff the virus. Given that I'd been pretty inactive for about a month, to find my weight had actually decreased over Christmas...!

But then I think about my life now. If you had told me this time last year that in the space of 12 months I would be a regular visitor to Parliament, I would have been invited to Number 10, I would be talking to the GMC about regulation of doctors and I would have been asked to give evidence to the Leveson Inquiry - I would have looked at you as if you were stark, raving bonkers. Yet all of those have happened.

Number 10 is earlier in the blog - still a great experience! Leveson is the call of the moment. It looks as though there will be little advantage in attending anonymously, so I will be in the full glare of publicity, meaning the full hostile glare of the tabloids. Excited, yes - but absolutely terrified at the same time. That fluttery feeling throughout your torso just keeps happening.

In many ways the last twelve months has seemed more and more like a dream. I talk to people about things I'm involved with realising that it must sound as though I'm just making it up. I can't quite believe it myself. I keep waiting to wake up and find it was just an extremely vivid dream - or the psychiatrists come through the door in their white coats and tell me the experiment is over and they're taking me back now. Yet in other ways it's as real as real can be.

People say all sorts of nice things, like how inspirational I am, or how fantastic it is that I'm taking a stand. Let me say it's not me on my own - far from it, I'll be the one with the temporary focus in a couple of weeks time (for the first time), before it reverts to the stalwarts in GIRES, Press for Change and the many other activists in the trans arena. The chance of me making mainstream media is remote - although tangible.

So the fear is not being involved in these things - it's around mucking up a fantastic opportunity to push the acceptance message, when I'll be sitting alone and solely responsible for the words I say (and don't say) and getting it horrendously wrong. It's also about being aware that I need to lose weight!

Wednesday 20 July 2011

Brushes with History

I wonder whether days like yesterday will ever become "normal". I do hope not!

Tuesday 19 July 2011 will go down in history as the day Parliament tried to hold the Murdoch press and the Metropolitan Police to account. It also happened to be the day when I was meeting MPs and Baronesses.

I walked into Portcullis House past the long queues for both the Home Affairs Select Committee and the Culture and Media Select Committee, to be greeted by a security man at the desk who obviously expected to send me back out to join the queues. His manner changed abruptly when I said I was there to see Simon Hughes. I asked to go to the loo first, and he directed me up some stairs and down a corridor. There were police all over the place. As I came out from the loo, Sir Paul Stephenson brushed past on his way down the corridor to the Home Affairs Select Committee - where he subsequently got a mauling. The look on his face as he strode past was one of glorious defiance! "Are you here to protect me?" he joked to the policeman on my right.

Coming out of Portcullis House (directly behind Ken Livingstone), the arrangements had changed, so now there was little choice but to walk down the 10 yard "corridor" of press photographers. You could tell this short delay as they wondered who I was then decided to take photographs anyway in case I proved to be important.

In the afternoon I had my first taste of Parliamentary Forum business in another outcrop of the Parliamentary Estate. Walking past St Stephens Green and seeing the television outlets with their tents and scaffolds, so they can get a good picture of the Houses of Parliament in the background but be far enough above the bustle of Millbank so it doesn't intrude. Seeing Alistair Stewart and Carol Barnes (I think) lit up as we walked past at 6:15 was, in itself, interesting. Back at home, watching Huw Edwards on the BBC News at 10, obviously in the same place, was also slightly dislocating.

Who knows, maybe yesterday will be a start of other changes as well. Simon Hughes was very receptive on my idea for removing gender markers altogether - he'll do some research over the summer and get back to me. His assistant was terribly complimentary to me - saying I was the only one of his engagements this week who had appreciated how busy Simon had been and, moreover, accurately anticipating when he was most likely to be busy on that day. I suspect it was because of that understanding and flexibility that my appointment stuck. And raising questions about press regulation, the recent statement from the Equalities and Human Rights Commission that seems to indicate that religion may be a valid reason for people not to comply with the Equality Act (drawing gasps of disbelief from the group at large and a statement about how unclear the recent decision actually was from the EHRC member) and how trans is treated in schools at the Parliamentary Forum - maybe that will also initiate change.

Days like yesterday will never become normal. However, I suspect I should more accurately change my initial line to wonder whether mingling with senior parliamentarians, civil servants and broadcasters will ever become normal. Again, I do hope not - although I love every minute of it!

Monday 27 June 2011

Awareness and Influences

Well, it was quite a wonderful day. I arrived half an hour before the event (as I was told it could take up to half an hour to get through security) and was waved through in 2 minutes. So I ended up standing outside Number 10 for about 20 minutes.

Walking through the world-famous black door was quite a moment, especially as it opened just before I got there - someone was wanting to come out, so it didn't open just because I was walking up to it! Then it shuts behind you, and you become one of the rare-ish people who see the inside of the Prime Minister's offices - the security guards, the computer by the famous hinges, the rack where you leave your mobile phone. Through to another slightly larger room where you leave your jackets and big bags, then down another corridor, up the famous staircase with all the pictures of previous Prime Ministers (so Gordon Brown was the last one pictured, strangely jauntily given what turned out) and into the reception rooms.

I was pleased, I didn't freeze or gape like a fish. Instead I found an inner confidence and introduced myself to folk, and was introduced to others. Lynne Featherstone recognised me from the MoU launch a few months earlier - she looked tired, and pretty much fled the scene as four trans activists started to off-load - possibly not the best plan of action. Simon Hughes was interested - and it looks like I've now managed set up a meeting with him about gender markers. Evan Davies was charming - especially when combined with Rev Richard Coles - my mornings' listening in one place, a doorway inside Number 10 - how surreal is that! Jane Hill was also supportive. It was over too soon.

I'm still pinching myself 5 days later. I know it happened. I hope it will happen again - as I'll be so much less nervous, and know more of what to expect.

Meanwhile I find myself at the centre of another political storm - inside the choral society. Suffice to say that I hope that the action the committee has taken will be undone - albeit that it means we may have to look for an alternative committee at short notice on Thursday.

And then I find that Stuart Cosgrove of Channel 4 found me "very impressive" - someone he felt he could do business with.

J said this afternoon that she wondered why I ever doubted my abilities - but it feels wrong somehow to assume that I am talented - it just feels like rubbing something in or denigrating others. But I'm obviously capable of making a mark. It makes the future seem more exciting. I only hope I haven't peaked!

Monday 20 June 2011

Atmospheric Rises

So, let's get this into some kind of perspective:

In June 2001 I would have been so nervous about being seen wearing a dress by anyone at all. I was just coming to terms with the fact that I was trans-something. It didn't mean that I didn't want to be seen - it's just that I feared the reaction.

In June 2003 I had plucked up courage to wear a dress in a "safe house" - J having seen me only a couple of months earlier.

In June 2004 I'd just lost my job and was considering going full-time.

In 2 days time it looks as though I'll be walking through the security gates to Downing Street and joining in a reception at one of the most exclusive addresses in Whitehall, in full view of various media types.

Excited, scared, trying to maintain a sense of cool, wondering how on earth I'm going to fit everything else I need to do this week in - the gamut of emotions is huge. I thought meeting Ofcom in May 2010 was a huge step, then meeting folk at the BBC, then meeting one of the senior guys at Channel 4 in August, then having a series of meetings at Channel 4, then meeting/hosting a serving government minister at Trans Media Watch's launch in March, then being appointed to the Parliamentary Forum on Gender Identity last month... Since August life has been a whirl of ever escalating steps.

On Saturday afternoon, as the situation had just unfolded, I was standing in the churchyard of All Saints Church in Wokingham - half-an-hour before the rehearsal was due to start for a choral concert I was singing in that evening. In 2003 and especially the first part of 2004 that same churchyard was a bolt hole - my place near my office to walk and try to think. Seven years from taking her first tentative steps out into the world at large, Helen will be going into the heart of government.

Absolutely amazing. I still can't quite believe it. What on earth am I going to wear?!?

Friday 10 December 2010

Sadness

So undergraduates will now be paying up to £9,000 per year just for tuition. Add on top of that living costs, which will struggle to be under £6,000 a year, and you suddenly have a bill for £45,000 after a 3-year course, or £60,000 for a 4-year course. Apparently the charges will apply the moment they are incurred, but will attract commercial rates of interest from the moment of graduation, and the loan cannot be repaid early - leading to an effective tax rate of 9%. The progressive part? Apparently if you are classed in an economically dependent group, then you won't have to pay one year.

I find a number of things sad about this. Firstly, the commoditisation of education. Rather than society valuing education as something that is generally useful, we now find that a price has been put on individuals. This level of debt is a powerful disincentive to take your studies post-18 - the raw stats from the school of which I'm a governor shows a significant drop in those 16/17 year-olds contemplating a university education. The 17/18 year-olds were too far through the process for yesterday's decision to be affected.

It has been difficult for a few years now to be able to distinguish effectively between attainment at degrees. I have felt for many years that a first-class degree holder in computing appears to know far less than I did when I graduated with a II(ii). It feels as though my degree is now equivalent to a Masters. The increasing number of people with degrees must surely mean that the "value-add" of having one reduces, making it still harder to pay off any debt. When you see graduates taking jobs as bicycle couriers??? So the academically able who need to distinguish themselves will incur even more debt for the privilege, irrespective of background.

However, of equal sadness is the stance of the Liberal Democrats. I don't know whether they have been "suckered" into the position of having to vote for something they all individually pledged against - but it was obvious that only having the option to abstain if fees were increased would drive a wedge throughout the party. Nowhere did I see any Lib Dem sign the pledge conditionally. The pledge was taken as a sign of values, vision and commitment. And this was thrown to one side, and excuses have been made - none very convincing. Yesterday I saw more alienation creep into politics.

The LibDems appeared to be the fresh voice in the last election. Now they have been tarred with the same brush as both Labour and Conservatives - both of whom were architects of the unnecessary explosion in university studies over the last 20 years. Now there is nothing to single the LibDems out as people who hold principles. It also means that any pre-election pledge becomes meaningless. People can say what they want - electors won't have a clue what individuals stand for any more. The principle has finally disappeared from mainstream British politics.

Saturday 6 November 2010

And so yet another trans group teeters on the brink...

I got involved with Trans Media Watch more by association than actual judgement - I was available to come to a meeting with Ofcom and was felt to be "presentable". Following that, I went along to a meeting with the BBC, then to Channel 4, then was one of the two presenters to the Press Complaints Commission, then found myself drawing up a constitution and looking at registering it as a charity.

Then all hell broke loose last week. The combination of the outrageous reporting in the tabloids around Sonia Burgess's unfortunate death, combined with anger at the marginalisation of trans people yet again by the gay rights campaigners Stonewall meant that TMW suddenly found itself on the front-line of trans-activism, without either the people or the time required to direct the focus of any protests. And people got angry - angry at Stonewall, livid at the tabloids, and outraged at TMW's deafening silence - completely unaware of what the core were trying to do behind the scenes, and also completely unaware that all of us have jobs to hold down as well. It seemed to become personal.

And it got too much for two of the core five, and I also realised that I could not continue to give it the attention it was demanding, because making a living was actually important for my family and my employees. So, in the space of a week, TMW is on the brink of collapse, having made so much progress in the preceeding 12 months. Its collapse will make it so much harder for any subsequent trans group to get in through the doors to the limited extent we did.

However, the scenario once again demonstrates two things. Firstly that trans people on the whole are incredibly vulnerable and secondly they often carry around a huge slate of anger. Sometimes that anger is directed at the wrong people who are also vulnerable, and the plate fractures again. Other times that anger is directed in a way that is easily parodied and/or ignored, pandering to the "weird" and "other" nature that is so often attributed to trans people.

Things so desperately need to change. There is so much institutional ignorance around, wanting to categorise and then limit people - people who cannot generally be categorised, who are wanting to express individuality. That ignorance leads to horrendous abuses of human rights, vicious attacks (both physical and verbal), fear, guilt, suicide. We see it in the way the medical profession often treats us, the bafflement often expressed by civil servants, the sensationalism often employed by the media, the abuse directed at us by extremists driven by fear.

The way forward is engagement, education, media-savvy presentation, being able to shine a light on causes rather than symptoms. Protest, screaming from the rooftops, revolution - none of these will work - no matter how appealing such routes sound. But until trans people can learn to trust, to show respect, to bury differences between each other, the cause will forever be harmed by groups being ripped apart.

Monday 1 November 2010

Sadness and Fears

A story has been building in the media since this time last week. A trans woman who was also an influential human rights lawyer was killed under a tube train at Kings Cross station last Monday evening. It seems likely to have been a tragic mistake, with some tomfoolery going on as the train came in. The predictable outcome started to come through with tabloid exposes appearing on Friday, which fed on the prurience because she was trans and probably was working on the side as an escort. The real sadness hit this morning when the tabloids had another frenzy because the person accused of killing her is also a trans woman.

I could see this building and building over the past few days, being privy to some of the information well before it broke into the public eye. And the media exposure has been predictable, prurient, salacious, feeding into the consistent "othering" of trans people that goes on in the British printed media.

This wasn't particularly helped by the coverage of another trans woman who, yesterday, won the UK Scrabble championship - dressed in bright pink, probably for breast cancer awareness, but who had an unfortunate amount of beard shadow. Again the media curiosity tried hard but generally failed to focus on things other than her trans status.

I met a Nina who was probably Tamil many years ago, in my early forays to the Reading trans nightscene. It may not have been the same one, but it's uncomfortably close to home. I was also at Kings Cross (but not the Piccadilly line) yesterday afternoon, having spent a fun few hours with my daughter at the Wicked Day, following her two days at a Wicked workshop run by her school. The celebration and work-lessness of a long weekend had this constant press pressure as a backdrop.

I've written before about fear being the primary driver behind trans people not wanting to be visible, to hide their past away. The media coverage today feeds off that fear, while also building it up. Why can our media (and they would claim it is our society) simply not let people be different? Why are we all forced down this route of social conformity which panders to the bigots? And today's coverage will have screwed down the lid on some trans people who will now be facing a harder journey to discover themselves, and reinforced the view of those who hold it that trans people are only ever weird and motivated by sex. I fear that the result will be that some trans people will ultimately take the choice of suicide as a result of what has happened today.

Sadly because of this, some trans people seem to have moved past the outrage and building into very real anger, which further distorts how people view what has happened. There is talk about a protest on Thursday evening - against who and about what, I don't know. The media are turning around and asking what have they done wrong, using the PCC's "tactic" of focusing on the words they have written rather than the emotion or the layered picture they have built up. They know what they have done wrong, and the mock innocence is grating. As an example, why is it remotely relevant to refer to Nina as unshaven when she appeared in court? Was Ann Widdecombe well shaven before her Strictly Come Dancing appearance on Saturday? I think we ought to be told.

But there are also people in the trans world who also think that a great way to make a quick buck is to pass information onto the ever-hungry media that completely destroys the affected people and makes life harder for many more. I feel nothing but disgust for that self-serving attitude.