Church Hurts

I find that "church" is the main cause of strife between my partner and I.

When I was just starting the gender transition process, starting to take female hormones to see how I felt about what they did, the church we were in asked me not to come on Sunday mornings any more. In reality, I hadn't been on a Sunday morning for a few months anyway, as I was fed up with half-baked theology being presented from the front, and Bible verses being taken completely out of context. But the request was an affirmation that I was a "non-person" in the eyes of people who profess to love everyone. My partner continued to go - and I can understand why - she needed some level of continuity in an environment where her main relationship was being turned upside-down. But it hurt - and every Sunday and every Tuesday or Wednesday she would go out to "be holy", leaving me to do as best I could to maintain faith.

After 18 months, there was an episode where an offer to host a small group meeting at our house caused a major upheaval in some peoples' eyes. She decided she couldn't cope with the reaction, and cancelled the meeting, then decided she needed to challenge the leadership on their "scriptural position". Unsurprisingly there wasn't one. It was all based on feelings. The church leader's position was that he couldn't face God on Judgement Day and say why he let my son be damaged by my transition. Quite an odd argument - wouldn't God ask this to me instead, and what about the damage that had been done to me? My partner extricated herself from that church, and then started going to another one - despite what we had agreed about taking a break and then looking for something together. Kick in the guts number 2.

After a year she was asked whether she wanted to go to a small group. What, I asked, we were going to do together. Well, I could come - but that also caused strife. One of the group's leaders wanted to tell everyone about me before they'd had a chance to meet me - "there'll be someone called Helen coming along and she used to be a man". Great... That was sorted, but I'd been so long out of the church environment that I found some of the "routine" difficult. I couldn't support the church-centric events because I was told that the church would treat me differently to my partner should we want to become members - I was, again, a "non-person", a theological discussion point. I also had severe questions about Christianity at that point, and it became very obvious to me at the start that such deep questions were not going to be permitted.

The year in the small group did nothing to answer any of my questions - in fact, they continued to increase. I felt that my partner also had questions, but didn't really know how to address them. We were invited onto a "questioning Christians" course, but when the agenda came out, she wasn't sure she wanted to go - but if she did go she wanted me to go as well. Then she seemed to be talked into going on her own, and I was kept completely out of the loop. Kick in the guts number 3. I left the group. We did eventually go to the course together, and those few weeks were great because we were able to talk openly with each other as questioning individuals.

So, on Tuesday, the group had a social, so I went along really to say goodbye. I don't have a problem with the people - I have a problem with the group dynamics and what Christianity in groups does to people. But the same group leader as before collared me, and started grilling me about my attitude, "why couldn't I see myself going to any more socials?" She simply didn't seem to accept that the whole thing has been just so painful for me over a number of years, and that I simply want it to stop. She couldn't accept that each time my partner goes, it's yet another kick in the teeth.

To be honest, yes, I want my partner to stop going. From what she has described, she doesn't fit there any more, yet she's looking for excuses to stay - possibly because she wants to be talked back into faith, possibly because she's scared of being lonely, possibly because she's scared of having to confront this issue with her parents. But I can't say anything because I'm then accused of trying to control her life. So this pain will continue for the forseeable future. When she doesn't go, it eases. When she goes, I feel cut out of her life, and things are different between us for a while. On Tuesday there was misunderstanding about me going to this social which then seemed to cause resentment. And it all seems totally unnecessary.

I transitioned because the pain of being male was just too much. Transition teaches you that you can change things, you don't have to be powerless. But I struggle to see how I can change this painful situation constructively.