Small Steps

J managed to get me to talk about surgery last night. It's something that has bounced around my head in some form for years, but over the last few months it has become more insistent. Taking a friend back home from Charing Cross in November after her surgery made me think that maybe I could do without it - similar to Russell Reid's parting comment to me - "if you can do without surgery, do without". All the complications she's had afterwards have also made me think. I don't "do pain" at all!

But I'm no longer sure I can "do without". The Androcur I'm taking on a daily basis has some side-effects, and I'm beginning to notice them - like breathlessness and weight gain. I've been tired for some time, and Androcur also exaggerates depressive feelings. According to the endo, the weight gain is not helped by the Androcur - and she wants to take it away, but is worried about the inevitable reintroduction of testosterone into the system. While I've lived without surgery for four years, it would be "nice" not to have to worry about tucking things away all the time, or wondering what people can see when things inevitably come loose. Also, there ain't no other way to get the bits I really want - magic, unfortunately, isn't real. I do wonder whether I will feel better about myself without this incongruity hanging around. It will resolve the "should I / shouldn't I" question.

Last night J indicated her support for surgery - she also finds the hanging incongruity difficult to deal with. She even offered to come out to Thailand (for Thailand it will be - you only get one shot at this and they really do seem to have the better surgeons there) for a week to help the recovery. Given that another friend also offered to come out there with me, the lack of companionship should no longer be a reason. Lack of money (after July) shouldn't be either, although lack of time will probably be. It will need scheduling in quite carefully to miss busy bits at work and also key family events like birthdays and Christmas.

So, this morning I emailed Dr Sanguan Kunaporn with some questions. Another first step.